This Mother’s Day I want to recognize all the women in my life that made me who I am- my mother, my grandmothers, aunts, and family friends.
But I also wanted to tell my own “motherhood” story as it is not one I have shared with very many people. It’s lengthy. It’s personal. It’s an extremely large part of who I have become.
I consider myself a somewhat private person. It’s not that I wouldn’t tell you if you asked. But honestly, I feel like there are so many more problems that are greater than mine.
On August 8, 2008, I found out that I was going to be a mother. It wasn’t something that happened easily. There were a lot of fears and tears, some medical help, and a whole lot of prayers leading up to that morning. Upon seeing those two lines on that test, I immediately dropped to my knees and through tears thanked God for that moment. I also told my 27-lb cat, Bob, who was with me, wondering what I was doing on the floor of the bathroom at 5:20 in the morning.
Hearing that heart beat for the first time, seeing that image, knowing that it wasn’t just me anymore…..
Feeling those kicks, hearing that cry, holding that tiny little girl….those are moments that I will never forget.
I helped God with a miracle. I saw the answer to my prayers and held her in my arms.
You can tell me one million and three times that prayers don’t work and I will argue you to depth and breadths and height my soul can reach because there are three very distinct instances in my life that I saw Him answer them right in front of me. This being the most distinct of the three.
So here I sit. In a similar boat to the one I was in the year before Annistyn was born. Except for this time- I know what I will be missing if I never get to experience those things again.
When you date someone, everyone asks when you will get married. When you are married, they ask when you will have a baby. When you have a two year old, you will be asked at least 5 times a day when you will have another one.
You don’t have to rush your life away- everyone else will do it for you.
Earlier this year, I had some extensive testing done. In addition to only having one ovary, I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and severe endometriosis. The endometriosis, which I was completely unaware of until this point, covers my entire abdomen starting at my liver. It has formed adhesions on the walls of my pelvis and intestines. The inflammation has caused some internal hemorrhaging. My one ovary is covered in cysts.
I was faced with the decision to have a hysterectomy or go a completely different route and attempt to have another child. The chances of us ever having another baby are very limited. With the therapy over the next year, my doctor predicted a 60% chance of success.
It was a hard decision to make, but I knew that if I did not do this, I would regret it one day…. even if we are not successful.
The drug that I am currently on is highly controversial among past patients. I made the mistake of ‘researching’ it on the Internet before beginning the treatment. It was intended for men with prostate cancer and then FDA approved it for endometriosis. Reading through the countless lawsuits, warnings, and complaints of those who had taken it scared me. I don’t want to have permanent memory loss. I don’t want to gain 30 pounds and I don’t want my bones to suffer damage.
After 6 months of these drugs- medically induced menopause- I will be having another surgery and a series of different drug therapy for approximately another 6 months.
When I find myself making tough decisions, there is a quote that always comes to my mind. “When you have come to the edge of all light that you know, and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown… Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.”
One way or another- everything will be fine. I have a beautiful, sassy, miracle daughter that lights up my life. God may choose to answer this prayer once more, or He may not. Either way, I am blessed beyond measure. I will still praise Him.
Being a mother is about so much more than changing diapers and tucking children into bed. It’s about more than putting a band-aid on a scraped knee, packing lunch for school, and attending dance recitals.
If you are a mother, thank God every day for that chance. There are women- wonderful, loving, women- who fight every day to have what you have. There are women who would give anything to be in your shoes.
Being a mother is not a ‘right’. It’s not a certainty. It’s a privilege. It’s a blessing. It’s a miracle.
This Mother’s Day- I thank God for giving me that chance.
I thank Him for sending me that miracle.
I thank Him for all the sleepless nights...
All the diapers changed....
All the giggles...
All the toys spread across my house...
All the gold fish snacks I find between the seats in my car...
All the memories...
All the celebrations...
All the the boo-boo's I've kissed....
All the tea parties I've had....
All the books I've read 103 times...
All the episodes of Dora I have watched...
I thank God for hearing my prayer...
And for answering it.
I thank Him for His perfect timing...
And for blessing me with a gift that I don't deserve...
I thank God for all the times I've heard, "I oov oo, Mommy!"
For all the kisses...
All the hugs...
I thank God for letting me be a mother.
